Jeffing Marvellous

More bad press for Slough

Over the last couple of years, I’ve grown to appreciate how horribly difficult it can be for foreign learners to master the ‘rules’ of English pronunciation. Long vowels, short vowels, ploughing and coughing through the tough borough of Slough in a trough – sometimes it’s just ridiculously hard.

Much as I sympathise, it doesn’t stop me from revelling in the endlessly hilarious mistakes that the language can generate. In nine months of teaching English in Lyon – predominantly to French people, who struggle with the sounds of the language more than anyone – there were enough splutteringly funny moments to cover a large whiteboard.

In one of my first lessons, I had the pleasure of teaching a group of professionals that included a gentleman to whom I’ll refer as Jérémie. Feeling a little nervous myself, I decided to get them chatting by asking what they had done at the weekend:

Me: So, Jérémie. How about you?
Jérémie: Well, euh… I ‘ad a sailor party
Me: Oh, great! Was it on your boat?
Jérémie: No no no. It was in my sailor. I only ‘av a small one, but fifteen people came inside
Me: [trying to work out what on earth he was talking about] So was it like a ‘fancy dress’ party?
Jérémie: [along with the rest of the class, looking at me like I was some kind of cretin] Mais non! It is simple. Every year I invite friends to come in my sailor, zen we dance and drink wine. It is very amusing.

A sailor, probably on his way to a party

I’m sure it was. Unfortunately the enforced follow-up lesson on ‘minimal pairs’ (ship-sheep, slip-sleep, sailor-cellar) wasn’t exactly a barrel of laughs.

During my introductory lesson with a student we’ll call Lionel, I asked if he enjoyed spending time in the kitchen. His reply, bare and simple: “I’m a really bad cock”.

An older gentleman named ‘David’ assured me that it’s perfectly normal for French people to drink tea and coffee out of a ‘bowel’.  He also told me of  a serious problem with his faulty ‘hard dick’, which led to the loss of many treasured photos. When he asked if I had any advice on how to save them, my initial reaction was to recommend scrubbing with hot soapy water… but for better or worse, I decided to give him the number of a local computer expert instead.

R Kelly doesn't see anything wrong with the occasional spot of 'bump and grind'

I was quite surprised when ‘André’, a fantastically cool and laid-back man of Caribbean origin, told me how he ‘bit’ his son three times during a FIFA 2009 evening on the Playstation. He also wanted me to help translate the lyrics to his favourite song, but I had to politely explain that if I did, I probably wouldn’t be his teacher for much longer.

My favourite, though, was much more subtle. One group I used to teach was made up of four teenage boys, all of whom had fairly average levels except for one (we’ll call him ‘Christophe’) who believed he was too good to be taking classes. He rarely asked questions, but on this occasion I’m so glad he did:

Christophe: Monsieur?
Me: Yes?
Christophe: How do you say ‘pamplemousse’ in English?

[I write the word on the board]

Christophe: [swinging back on his chair in frustration, head in hands] Aaaah yes but of course! It’s a so easy word! I’m a stupid!
Me: Would you like to say it out loud for the rest of the class to hear?

[He turns to the other boys with a look of self-assured cockiness]

Christophe: Grap-frooee.