Jeffing Marvellous

I finally know the answer to a question that has been troubling me for quite some time. About a decade, actually. Not a day has passed in that period without a moment when I suddenly find myself staring blankly into space, turning this particular conundrum over and over in my head. I am not talking about the meaning of life, the solution to world hunger or how to combat global warming. Lord no. This is way more important.

At face value, the issue I’ve been wrestling with for all these years isn’t all that complicated. Yet due to its extremely subjective nature, it’s a question that requires a great deal of measured consideration and a thorough investigation of all possible solutions.

Indeed, I’m sure that at various stages in your life, you too will have stopped to ask yourself: What on earth is the name of the cartoon animal that Sam ‘Big Sam’ Allardyce reminds me of?

Well, I can now put you out of your misery. The big ‘n cuddly Blackburn Rovers manager is in fact the human incarnation of General Woundwort, the equally enormous but slightly less cuddly leader of the Efrafan rabbits in Watership Down.

Big Sam and the General

And the similarities don’t end at the pair’s startling physical resemblance, no sir. Woundwort is a “hard and brutally efficient” animal, a “tyrannical” leader with a ruthless survival instinct. Allardyce is famed for his strong and direct style of management, imposing punishing fitness regimes on his players and encouraging a physically uncompromising style of football. Rabbits, apparently, can also be bratty, willful, destructive and vengeful – which happily means that I can extend the comparison to one or two of the players he’s worked with during his career.

This revelation would also explain why, prior to his appointment as manager, Allardyce insisted on having a complex network of tunnels built under Blackburn’s Ewood Park stadium. It could also be the reason behind the current spate of twisted knees and players randomly tripping over at the club’s training ground {{citations needed}}.

By the way, if you’re in need of a laugh (or fifty) have a look at this website. It’s an online ‘lookalikes agency’ and as far as I can tell, they’re all supposed to be serious. My personal favourites are the first ‘Kelly Holmes’, ‘Peter Crouch’ and all three ‘Wayne Rooneys’. I’ve noticed there’s a bit of a gap in the market for a convincing ‘Linford Christie’ – time to dust off the old CV methinks…